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How Come… The Ones I Want Never Want Me?

Published under copyright by Loveawake Malaysia. © Copyright 2010-2020. All rights reserved.

I once had a letter from a reader of my blog that said it all for a lot of people.  I often hear variations on this theme:

Tonja,

I am so tired of the fact that finding and keeping a relationship is so much work.

First of all, I don’t need a man to make me OK. I am amazed that so many people automatically “expect” so much after just meeting someone. It seems like just because I am single, men assume that because they are interested I automatically feel the same way.  Why are the ones I am interested in never interested in me?

I have dated sporadically for the past ten years or so, I have been divorced for twenty, and I had been in a “mini” nowhere marriage. Do I need to be concerned that I am not interested in going out and looking for someone to date?

I have tried the Internet, with no success. I don’t drink, smoke, or use drugs, which limits a lot of people.  Is Mr. Right going to knock on my front door?  It seems like such a hassle to try to meet people, and go through all of the “get to know you” stuff.

I am SO Fed Up


Dear Glorious,

Start with that thought.  You are fabulous and you deserve someone wonderful.  Then…work your way from there to see why meeting Mr. Right is not happening…yet.

Thank you for your letter.  You may be fed up, but unfortunately, it is not with emotional food that sustains the soul.  You need a new menu that offers life-affirming courses.  Let’s look at what you’re really saying:

* Why are the ones you are interested in never interested in you?
You send conflicting messages to others, and so… you get conflicting messages back.  You say you don’t want or need a relationship in one breath, and say you do want it in another.  Once you recognize you are doing this, you can choose to send clear messages.

* Do you need to be concerned that you are not interested in going out and looking for someone to date?
You don’t need to be concerned if you don’t want to date.  But if you have tried the Internet, it sounds like you would LIKE to date.  It just sounds like you don’t know how.

* Is Mr. Wonderful going to come knocking on your door?
I think you know the answer to that, which is fortunately, “No.”  Because if he did come knocking, that would mean you had no investment in picking and choosing him, and that wouldn’t work at all.

* Why do people assume so much, like if they are interested in you, you are automatically interested in them?
Because there are people everywhere who are insecure, confused, lonely, lost, disenchanted, scared, and wanting to connect but don’t know how.  I think most of us can identify with them.  What can you do if you find yourself out with someone like this?  Be kind, set your boundaries, and understand that you can learn something valuable from every human being.

Looking at what you have written, would you apply for a job using the words you have written?  Things like:
1. I don’t really need a job.
2. Getting a job is such a hassle.
3. Most of the people who work do drugs and alcohol, so that eliminates a lot of positions.
4. I have tried to get a job on the Internet, but that hasn’t worked.
5. Will the perfect job come knocking on my door?
6. Do I need to be concerned that I am not looking for a job…even though I’d like one?

Your words, and therefore your emotions, are conflicting.  When you put these phrases in another context, I think you can see how what you’re thinking and saying is defeating you.

Take an action today to buff up your strengths, your style, and your sense of self.  If you don’t know how, get some help.  Because you want to clear up those messages you are sending out to the world.  You want to define what you want and go get it.  Your whole life waits for you… as well as a wonderful guy.

Very best,
Tonja

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