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Do you Want a Love that is Real?

Text and Image Copyright Notice. Published under copyright by Loveawake. © Copyright 2010-2020. All rights reserved.

When it comes to falling in love, if the object of your affection looks good, sounds reasonable, and seems to feel the same way you do, you may not get it that he or she is not what you think they are.  Even your friends and family could be fooled.  You may hear people say, “You two are just the perfect couple.  You are so lucky to have found each other!”

What’s going on here?  People will often give you the opinion you want to hear.  (Or the opinion they would like to hear if they were in a relationship.)  So you have to be aware of the red flags when you meet someone.  Especially if your vision is blinded by a rush of chemicals.  Combine that chemistry with hope, loneliness, and longing… and you might not be able to see if it’s real or not.

What are the defining characteristics when it’s real?  And what are the warning signs that you need to pay attention to?  Here’s the deal: fake love fades away or evaporates quickly when the chemistry wears off.  But love endures, showing up in the actions and deeds of the two people.  If you’re in a relationship, pay attention to:

1. Obsession

Fake love, which is chemistry only, lasts anywhere from three weeks to a year and a half… and then disappears.  Real love loses the immediacy of the chemical rush, but retains chemistry while it grows deeper and calmer.  The onset of both kinds of love is marked by obsession.  For a period of time, two people in love cannot think about anything but the other one.  They may lose weight, lose sleep, and lose all concept of time.  When this chemical high wears off, the real picture of the person emerges for them.  Getting it right involves…time.

2. Assumptions

Love that is an illusion is based primarily on physical intimacy and what two people assume about each other.  They can see no problems; they cannot see characteristics that may create disharmony in the future; they cannot imagine any imperfections in the other one.  Idealized qualities, lives built on fantasy, and a perfect future together is all they can think about.  The problem is, they haven’t really MET each other yet.  They are relating to their idealized version. When this cyclone of projection comes to an end and the dust settles, the true person will stand before them.  Then they can see each other through a clear lens and decide if they are right for each other.

3. Myths

Counterfeit love feeds off of the stuff of fairy tales.  The women in the story want Prince Charming to swoop in and carry them off to a perfect life.  They will have riches, happiness, and love in a land where nothing ever goes wrong and all dreams come true.  The man in the story, who feels like a frog… and may even look like one… is kissed by the princess and made whole.  He miraculously turns into a handsome, brave, successful Prince.  When two people fall into the chemical cocktail…(the other person looks good and feels good)… it’s easy for them to unconsciously fall into this stylized story.  When this fantasy wears away, it is possible that real love may develop.  But it’s also very possible that it won’t.  The danger is if they make commitments too soon.

What does REAL love look like?  It’s able to get past the chemistry phase and into real time.  Fake love involves conflict, drama, and pain, once the initial attraction wears off. Real love evolves into service, thought, care, and sincere emotions for the other.

Real love happens when two people are not only attracted to each other…they honor each other’s values, standards, and purpose.  They don’t just talk about it, however.  They live it.

How Do You Find Love?

In Yvonne Oswald's book, "Every Word Has Power," she makes a strong case for the fact that you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself.  The more you are connected with yourself, the better you can connect with others.

I have written often of the high energy emotions of excitement, enthusiasm, joy, and happiness, and how when you radiate this kind of electricity, you not only shine...you attract!  But what can you do if you're not having these feelings?  Think about the following:

First, put a reasonable plan in place to build your foundational bricks under you.  You need something solid to stand on.  When you have...or are honestly working towards having...a career, savings, friends, hobbies, health, and personal growth, you will be able to sustain the positive energy that is irresistible to others.

Second, here is a secret that will work for your "down" times while you are putting your life in order.  You can trick your unconscious into believing you are happy by SMILING as often as possible...and literally keeping your CHIN UP.

Holding your chin in a slightly raised position, smiling, and staying focused on a positive vision for your future can pull you out of the doldrums.  Try it.

How do you find love?  Start with getting happy.

How Come… The Ones I Want Never Want Me?

Published under copyright by Loveawake Malaysia. © Copyright 2010-2020. All rights reserved.

I once had a letter from a reader of my blog that said it all for a lot of people.  I often hear variations on this theme:

Tonja,

I am so tired of the fact that finding and keeping a relationship is so much work.

First of all, I don’t need a man to make me OK. I am amazed that so many people automatically “expect” so much after just meeting someone. It seems like just because I am single, men assume that because they are interested I automatically feel the same way.  Why are the ones I am interested in never interested in me?

I have dated sporadically for the past ten years or so, I have been divorced for twenty, and I had been in a “mini” nowhere marriage. Do I need to be concerned that I am not interested in going out and looking for someone to date?

I have tried the Internet, with no success. I don’t drink, smoke, or use drugs, which limits a lot of people.  Is Mr. Right going to knock on my front door?  It seems like such a hassle to try to meet people, and go through all of the “get to know you” stuff.

I am SO Fed Up


Dear Glorious,

Start with that thought.  You are fabulous and you deserve someone wonderful.  Then…work your way from there to see why meeting Mr. Right is not happening…yet.

Thank you for your letter.  You may be fed up, but unfortunately, it is not with emotional food that sustains the soul.  You need a new menu that offers life-affirming courses.  Let’s look at what you’re really saying:

* Why are the ones you are interested in never interested in you?
You send conflicting messages to others, and so… you get conflicting messages back.  You say you don’t want or need a relationship in one breath, and say you do want it in another.  Once you recognize you are doing this, you can choose to send clear messages.

* Do you need to be concerned that you are not interested in going out and looking for someone to date?
You don’t need to be concerned if you don’t want to date.  But if you have tried the Internet, it sounds like you would LIKE to date.  It just sounds like you don’t know how.

* Is Mr. Wonderful going to come knocking on your door?
I think you know the answer to that, which is fortunately, “No.”  Because if he did come knocking, that would mean you had no investment in picking and choosing him, and that wouldn’t work at all.

* Why do people assume so much, like if they are interested in you, you are automatically interested in them?
Because there are people everywhere who are insecure, confused, lonely, lost, disenchanted, scared, and wanting to connect but don’t know how.  I think most of us can identify with them.  What can you do if you find yourself out with someone like this?  Be kind, set your boundaries, and understand that you can learn something valuable from every human being.

Looking at what you have written, would you apply for a job using the words you have written?  Things like:
1. I don’t really need a job.
2. Getting a job is such a hassle.
3. Most of the people who work do drugs and alcohol, so that eliminates a lot of positions.
4. I have tried to get a job on the Internet, but that hasn’t worked.
5. Will the perfect job come knocking on my door?
6. Do I need to be concerned that I am not looking for a job…even though I’d like one?

Your words, and therefore your emotions, are conflicting.  When you put these phrases in another context, I think you can see how what you’re thinking and saying is defeating you.

Take an action today to buff up your strengths, your style, and your sense of self.  If you don’t know how, get some help.  Because you want to clear up those messages you are sending out to the world.  You want to define what you want and go get it.  Your whole life waits for you… as well as a wonderful guy.

Very best,
Tonja